Make Over!

Aubryn decided she wanted her hair cut. So far, she does not regret it. Also, to go with her new look she wants to go by a new name. She wants to be called "Bryn" exclusivly now.

The Bumbo chair stuck on Rylan's Bumb.

Aubryn put James in her doll stroller.

Showing me the dentil floss she used to secure him into the doll stroller.

Not So Simple Anymore

When I became a mom for the first time, I was often asked, "How many kids do you have?" That was an easy answer. One. It was a simple word and I said it with excitement. Soon, the number changed to two. I was just as eager to answer the question with "two" as "one". After 19 months, that number changed again, but not really. I still was the mother of two, but one was on earth and one was in heaven. I began to dread the question. Not because I was not still a proud mother, but because the answer now was complicated and needed explained. I found myself answering like this, "Two, one living." Then it was followed by the sad head tip and, "ahhhh." More questions came, "How old was he?", "How did he die?", "How long ago?" etc... I really don’t know that all that information was needed for such a simple question. I know I didn’t like sharing such sensitive stuff with people in passing. The question is answered similarly today. "I have 6 kids." Sometimes I have to add, "five living." I still have to answer subsequent questions and often comfort those who are asking them.

In the time shortly after Isaac died some of the things we said without thought changed. We no longer said that the batteries died. That word had far too deep of a meaning to be used for batteries. So, the batteries stopped working, the plants were drying out, and the pen ran out of ink.

When Brad was three or four, we visited a cemetery. I remember Brad walking around, pausing at each headstone, and asking, "Who was this person?" I do not know any other child who realizes what a cemetery really is. He knew that each of those markers represented a life, a person, someone who was loved.

Today I went into the storage room. I noticed a "hammock swing" that I had made just for Isaac. I have saved it all these years and it has not been used. I kept hanging onto it. Today I came to terms with the fact that I do not need it anymore! Today, almost 7 years later. It still smelled like him. That is just one item. Also, today, I dressed James in some of Isaac’s overalls I had saved all these years. I think he is the first boy after Isaac to wear them. It took some courage to put them on him, but then he looked so cute and I felt glad inside.

I still have the feeling that I am missing someone. When I am counting kids at the park or gathering the kids to get into the car, I think, "There’s one more. I’m missing someone." I re-count and see that we are all there. That happens to me a lot.

After Isaac died my life was filled with new fears. Some made sense to a logical mind, but some did not. I wanted to keep Brad and Brian with me at all times. I felt if someone needed to die, that we should all go together. It is too hard to be separated. I was (and still am) nervous when my kids are sleeping, especially when they are tiny, around 19 months old, or it is cold and wintery. I was very fearful to have another child. (complete understatement) I knew the reality of having a handicapped child. I also knew that it could happen to me. It had happened to me. I don’t think there are words to describe this. I know as mothers we always worry that we might have a sick child, but for me it was real. I knew I could have a sick child. I was also terrified of connecting with another baby, just to loose them again. My heart couldn’t handle it. I knew my child could die. My child had died and it hurt beyond words. These fears were intense and real. I know they have not gone completely away.  Some things are not so simple anymore.

{This morning marks 7 years since Isaac died.  Our kids were checked several times while sleeping last night by me and by my husband.  Not just a "peek" in on them. We all woke up alive!  It is a new day.}

Primary Quotes

I am a Primary teacher at church.  (I teach children Sunday school)  There are two teachers in my class, myself and another gal.  Today was not my turn to teach, just sit in and help.  I have been laughing all day about this:

Teacher:  "When did your life begin?"
Kids: "A baby."
Teacher:  "Before that?"
Girl:  "Well, we were an egg and..."
Boy:  "There's no eggs [girl's name]!  We're mammals!"

The teacher continued to teach about our life in the pre-existance, before earth.  She told the kids about the war in heaven.  She told them about Jesus and Lucifer.  She told the kids that Heavenly Father and Jesus love us.  She told them Satan's plan to take away our freedom to choose for ourselves.

Teacher:  When you are sick does your mom stay up at night and take care of you?"
Boy:  "No.  She just puts me bed and gives me a bowl in case I throw up."

Boy:  (talking about how Saten gives us no choice)  "Satan tells you to hit someone, you have to.  But I'd hit HIM!  Everything he told me to do, I'd do it to him!"

The teacher told them they all chose to follow Jesus.  If they continue to follow him here on earth, they can return to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus again.

Girl:  "Are there mirrors in heaven?  How will I know who I am?"

At Christmas time we have a tradition were we all write a "gift" to each member of the family and to Jesus.  It is something nice we will do for each person through the year.  At the New Year we also add "goals and predictions". 
Tonight we were reviewing and completing all the cards.  Brian and I were talking to Reagan about his gift to Rylan.  "What is something nice that you can do for Rylan?"  I asked.
"I can build him a house."
"What do you mean?  Out of blocks?" I asked.
"No.  Out of wood.  A big house."
"Oh, like when you guys grow up?"
"Yeah." he said.
"That will be nice." I said. " Well, what about now?"
"I don't have any wood."