Reagan's Basketball, Brian Coached

10 Things That Helped Me Through My Intense Grief

Me holding Isaac on Christmas day, 2003.  He died Jan 11, 2004.

I have things that get on my mind and I think about them a lot until I finally write it out. Different things have stirred my mind into reflecting on how I survived the intense grief I was in after Isaac died.  He was 19 months old when he died.  He was completely dependent on Brian and I for care.  He spent most of his time in our arms and now they were empty.  So empty.  Our hearts were empty too.  It was hard to move on and get used to not having him, when we had altered our lives to take care of him.  We felt guilt on different levels for different things.  Wishing we had done more or done something differently.  Not okay with making plans to move forward without him.  Knowing he was happy and safe, but missing him like crazy.  There was such a huge void in our home, spiritually and physically.

Here are some of the things that helped me to move on without him here.

1.  Love.  I loved Brian.  (Still do)  I loved Brad.  (Still do, ha ha)  That kept me going. We CLUNG to each other.

2. Service.  I had made several friends with moms who had special needs kids.  It helped me so much to go to their homes and help in ways I wish someone could have helped me.  It also helped Brad to think of others and how we could help them.  Each morning we went to a different house during the week.  We also volunteered at the Utah School for the Deaf and Blind as a family.

3. Hope.  Hope that I could get through this.  Hope that things would get better.  Hope that I would see and HOLD my boy again.

4.  Covenants.  My temple covenants sustained me.  I knew we were sealed together.  ALL OF US.

5. The Plan of Salvation.  I cannot tell you the peace that this knowledge brought to me.  As much as I missed Isaac, I hated the separation, I KNEW where he was and that we would be together.  I knew he was loved by God.  I knew he was not held back in any way by leaving earth early.

6. Taking care of Brad.  Brad was still little and needed me to be there emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I did not like being separated from him or Brian.  I felt if we stuck together that if something horrible happened we could all go together.  Death does not scare me, separation does.

7. Getting out of the house.  I would think I heard Isaac waking from his nap.  I would forget for split seconds that he was gone, not just sleeping.  I hate to say it, but getting away from my home helped me.  I loved shopping.  Retail therapy.  It does make you feel good for a moment.  Sad, but true.

8. Prayers.  Not mine.  Yours.  Others.  People prayed for me and I FELT IT.  It buoyed me up.  I felt the strength.  It was real.  I was so grateful for it!  If you do not know what to do for someone, pray for them.

9. Tender mercies.  There were many.  Things that comforted my heart.  Things that showed me God knew me and my struggle.

10. The Holy Ghost.  He brought me peace when no one else could.  When I thought I would be swallowed up in my grief, peace would come to my heart and I could carry on a little bit longer.

 Recently hung some stuff on Reagan's wall and got a bedspread.  I made the pillow for his bed that says, "work hard. play hard."

 James writing his first AND last name.

 Rylan's drawing of Micheal Jackson's house.

 Another drawing by Rylan.

 Trampoline fun!

 Aubryn likes playing catch.

 Brad LOVES his garden!

When something happens and I want to remember it I put a note in my phone.  Then when I have time to sit and type I write them all down.  Not always super organized, but I need to put it down before I forget.
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A couple weeks ago it was Spring Break for the kids.  I was waiting for a doula client to have her baby and so we never made plans to go out of town.  We tried to do things around here that were fun.  James really wanted to go to the Classic Fun Center.  They have skating, bouncy slides, and food.  He said he had a dream that we went there and it was so fun.
He began going to each person in the family and asking if they wanted to go.  He knew if he got enough people wanting to go, then we would.
"Aubryn, Do you want to go to the Classic Fun Center?"  he asked her.
She did not.
He went on to the next person.  I think he had Wesley on his list.  He seemed so sad about it. It was so cute to watch him walk around to everyone and tally up the votes.   Aubryn came to me and told me how she did not want to go.  I told her it would make James so happy.  She told him she wanted to go.
"Really?"  he asked happily.  More kids got on board and we went.
He was so excited!  They all ran and played.
Later James told me that the Classic Fun Center wasn't as fun as he thought it would be.  It was funner in his dream.

James with his building he made after kindergarten round up.

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While playing outside with a friend, James hurt his foot pretty bad.  He came hoping in and crying.  I asked what happened.
"I fell off the wall."  he told me.
"He was trying to get his socks."  Welsey added.
I was pretty confused.  I checked his foot and sat him on the couch with a cold cloth.  I finally decided to walk outside and look around.  I saw some socks stuck about seven feet up on the stucco by the garage door.  When I returned I asked more questions and learned that he was standing on a scooter trying to reach his socks when Wesley, who was holding the scooter, walked away and James came crashing down.
He wouldn't walk on it for a couple hours, but after watching it it never swelled or bruised too bad, so I felt it would be ok.
He attended kindergarten round up the next day without shoes.  It hurt too much to wear them.
He seems fine now, but I sure was confused with the story they told me!!

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Eden says, "Thanks. Much."  and "love you.  Much."  I love it and think it is so sweet.  So I made this.  

I also made this:

And these shirts:

We wore these to the movie night and discussion panel for the Powerful Birth Gorup.

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One day while eating lunch James leaned his head over to Wesley's head and said, "You thinking what I'm thinking?  After we finish eating, we got to finish our wii."

Those two realllly like the wii.  The remotes have magically disappeared.  If it is rainy, we might find them.

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The other day I woke up at 7:09 to an itchy nose.  I reached up to touch my nose and there was a bug crawling on it!!

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Saturday Aubryn asked if it was fast Sunday the next day.  I told the kids it was Super Fast Sunday.  Every six months there is a Super Fast Sunday where we all fast for twice as long.  They were really concerned and thought they would die if they went that long without food.  Finally they started to catch on that I was kidding.  

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Reagan and Aubryn  went to the park together yesterday.  They came home just in time for dinner.  Reagan came to the table and began to eat.  It was then that I learned that Aubryn and Reagan played truth or dare.  Aubryn dared Reagan to kiss some horse poop that was on the ground.  And HE DID IT.  He was sitting there eating his food without a care!  We kept asking him WHY he would do that.  Then he said, "Should have never told them about it!"  

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The other afternoon the phone rang and James answered the phone.  He said, "Hello?  Dad?  This is James. {giggle}  Nooo, James. {giggle}  Dad?  No!  J-A-M-E-S.  No, no H....  I'm playing puzzles...... My dad is at work.  My mom is asleep on the couch, but now she is awake.  My sister is taking her nap."  He went on and on for two and a half minutes.  I thought it was someone we know but when he finally handed me the phone I heard in a thick Indian accent, "Hello.  This is John calling with Windows technical support..." click.  

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While rocking Eden to sleep, her eyelids got very heavy and she closed them.  I stopped rocking.

"Go."  she said with a deep tiered voice and no emotion.

So I rocked.  Then stopped.

"Go."  She said plainly again.

Every time I stopped she would say go even when it seemed to be asleep.  

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Kids at the park.

I just went to start this post and set my foot down on the floor to push the pedal like my sewing machine.  Sheesh!

I wanted to share some of the random goings on around my house lately.

I have a large double basketball hoop in my great room.  I have always secretly wanted one and when I saw one at a yard sale for $25, I couldn't help myself.  But there is no room for it.  I had the high score, but today Brian knocked it out of the park.  111 points in one minute!

Eden has gotten to be such a fun girl.  She is talking more and more.  She likes to go on walks down to the park.  The other morning she went out and climbed in the stroller.  "Push."  She said.  So I began to push her around the driveway and thought that would make her happy.  Whenever I turned back towards the house, she would say, "THIS WAY!"  and point back towards the park.  I walked a little further down the road hoping then I could turn around and she would be good.  Nope.  "THIS WAY!"  All the way to the park.  Then she rode in the swing for a bit.  She had to walk the whole way home.  She loves the airplanes and birds.  She screams when she sees them.  She smells all the flowers.  She looks at all the bugs.  She hops.  She side hops.  It is a slow stroll, but so cute to watch he soak it all in.  She did the same thing later that day.

The other day Wesley was upset that Eden put her hand on his head twice and he turned and smacked her on the tummy. Her face got the biggest frown.  She looked shocked and so so sad.  Then she said, "Wessy, hurt." and she would pat her tummy.  She said it several times.  As the day went on she would randomly do it again. Then she walked up to him, maybe and hour later, and whacked him.  I can tell that Wesley is starting to see her as more of a equal and less of a baby.  They play together a lot, usually pretty good when he is not fighting to take attention she gets away.  They like to hug.

Brad planted the garden last week.  He has been working hard on it and loves it.  He and Brian tore out a lot of grass to make it twice as big.

He also planted rice.  Rice is tricky.  You need a longer growing season.  So, he got a storage tub and put it in his room with a light.  Rice grows in two inches of water.  And he also read that it is good to have fish in the water, so he bought some gold fish and they swim around in the rice.

He also has an organ in his room.  He found a free one on some online classifieds and it happened to be in our town!  He cleared out his desk and moved it out of his room to make sure.  I was worried about having an organ in the house because of the noise, but his room is downstairs and I rarely hear the soft sound of the organ playing.

The school boundaries are changing and our street is on the chopping block.  Brian and I went to the meeting tonight where parents could voice their concerns.  Many were concerned, or more.  They had an open mic.  The meeting only had 5 more minutes and parents were lined up.  My cell phone rings.  It's home.  It's Brad.  I bend over and answer quietly because I want to hear what is happening.
"Hello?"  I whisper.  I think something bad must be happening.
"Eden wants a cheese wedge!"  Brad says.
"Just give it to her!"
"But she doesn't want any crackers with it.  She won't eat crackers with the cheese and you're supposed to have crackers with the cheese wedges."
"Just give her the cheese!  I'm right in this meeting and it only has 5 more minutes."
"OK."
He really likes rules.

Speaking of the boundary changes Aubryn is aware that she might have to go to a new school or her friend.  She was so sweet to say, "If Kynnady has to go to the new school, will you have me go too?"  I asked, "Would you want to?"
"Yes"
She was not wanting her to have to go alone.

One day James and Wesley were arguing over who had the loudest burp.  I honestly couldn't tell that one was a clear winner.  Both very loud.

Well, that is all I can remember right now.

Forgetful

I've been super forgetful lately!  I just got back from the dollar store.  I went in for balloons.  I walked by the isle that sells a lotion that Aubryn likes for her dry hands.  So I grabbed some.  I didn't even put it in a cart, just carried it.  I grabbed the balloons and a few other things.  I walked back past the isle that sells the lotion and thought, "Oh, I should grab some of that lotion for Aubryn."
I got home and went through the bag to get Aubryn her lotion and THAT was when I noticed the two tubes of lotion.
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I went through the drive through at the pharmacy to get James some eye drops.  They said, "We put your credit card in the bag" and sent it out through the drawer to my car.  I got home and put the drops in James eyes.  I thought, "I don't need this bag anymore."  and I THREW IT IN THE GARBAGE.  Didn't even figure it out for 6 days.
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I asked Brad to look up someone's phone number that I needed to call.  He did and when he said, "Here's so-and-so's phone number."  my first thought was, "Oh! I need to call her!"
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I'm sure there are more incidents like these, but I can't REMEMBER!

 I sewed this hoodie for Wesley because we ran out of tissues. I tried to get a photo of the shirt, but he didn't want to let me.

 I made the mistake of showing my little kids teletubbies on youtube.  Eden LOVES them.  Wesley and James think they are "a-lar-i-us"!  They took this picture with my phone.

 Chase caught this fish in the ditch by our house!  They made a pond in the backyard for it.  Then released it back into the ditch that day.

 James is a good builder.

 I got rid of Eden's baby clothes.  It was sooooo hard for me to let go of them.  sniff sniff.

 Aubryn and her selfies.

 took a photo of this awesome quote.  It was given at Brad's National Honor Society night.

 The only picture of anyone I got on Easter Sunday.

 Eden woke up sad.

 Wesley likes to snuggle.

 The pinewood derby!