I Have Survived

The emotions of loosing someone who you love more than yourself, who you would sacrifice anything for, who you spend your days and nights loving and caring for, who you hold, feed, and talk to, who you have great hopes and dreams for, are intense. They are physically painful and become overwhelming. How are we expected to cope? Could I ever smile again? Could I get dressed? Go to the grocery store? How could life go on without him here? What was I supposed to do with myself? In the intensity of it all, I thought I couldn’t go on. It seemed wrong, in a way, to move on. My life had come to a halt. How would I survive?

But, I did have more to live for. Other people I loved. Others who still needed me. So, I carried on. One moment at a time. It was difficult.

Every year as this day approached, I would dread it. We would escape. Vacation. Take our minds and bodies away from anything that reminded us of the pain we lived on that day of great loss. Get away from the sights, smells, feelings, lighting, temperature, etc. Any reminders. Far away.

This year, however, I did not feel that horrible anticipation. I knew the day was coming, and I knew I would be okay.

I have survived.At the graveside after the funeral. Top photo is Brad on Brian's shoulders and Brian's hand on my shoulder. That is so symbolic of the support he was to our family. The bottom photo is my dad comforting me after the graveside was done. (It was about 14 degrees.)

As I looked through the pictures of his funeral today, I was overwhelmed as I saw so many friends and family who were there. Many had come long distances and on short notice. One friend drove over 5 hours to and 5 hours back the same day, with children. Another friend drove over an hour there and back with small children and without her husband. I know of others who were facing hard challenges of grief themselves and it meant so much for them to come reach out to me while putting their grief aside. Many, many came to show love and support. I am grateful for the genuine love and compassion so many had.