Everything is Going to Be Okay!

Three years ago this month I experienced one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

Before I tell about that, I am going to share the worst moment of my life. This is deeply personal and a bit out of my comfort zone, but I feel compelled to write this.

January 2004. It was a cold Sunday morning. We wondered why our 19 month old had not woken up for the day. My husband went to check on him. I will never forget the sound of my husband’s voice. I ran. Our son was gone. I knew it. We called 911. I followed the directions from the 911 operator and was doing CPR on his lifeless body. "It’s NOT working!" I kept shouting. The sounds will forever be imprinted in my mind. The sound of my air going into his body, but no life coming out. Brian and I hysterical, wailing. The distant sirens that could not come fast enough. I knew he was gone. There was no life there. He was gone. They flooded my home. They worked on my son. I sobbed and rocked. I saw Brian and the neighbor give him a blessing. I saw my precious three year old standing in the corner watching. Watching the nightmare. Another neighbor swept in, wrapped Brad in a blanket, and took him. This vision will never leave me. All of my senses remember. My Isaac was gone. He was gone. I had plead for his life, yet he was gone. I had plead for his health, yet it had taken him away. I had tried to make deals with God. I told God that I would raise him to be a good missionary if he would just grant him a healthy body. God’s will prevailed.

My heart had a huge hole ripped out of it. My heart ached and hurt. I was overwhelmed with hurt and deep sorrow. The Holy Ghost comforted me. I knew God was mindful of me and, through time, everything has been okay.

November 2008. It was a Sunday afternoon. My husband, kids, and I were watching a movie in our bed. Brian’s body jerked. I looked over at him and saw emptiness. His eyes were dilated and his body struggled intensely. I called 911. "Something is wrong with my husband!" His body got worse in every way. I thought he was leaving me. He then went limp, gray, and lifeless. "My husband is dying!!" I screamed at the operator who continually told me to calm down. This single moment slowed down to almost completely still. My thoughts were several. First I thought, If anyone is ready, Brian is. Second, my kids. I looked up to see Brad standing and watching much like he had done several years ago. Aubryn was at the foot of the bed, hands in her mouth, balling. I motioned to her to come on to the bed by me. I was kneeling over Brian. I thought, "They are watching their father die!" I put my arm around Aubryn trying to comfort her. "I am going to be a single mother."

Then I heard and saw a very slight and shallow breath. "He’s breathing!" I told the operator, "But he is still not okay!" Paramedics arrived. Brian was not okay. They took him. Neighbors stayed with my children and another neighbor drove me to the hospital. I felt lost. What happened!? What was wrong!?

When I arrived in the emergency room I hurried to his curtain. I cautiously opened it. There was Brian sitting up in the bed. "How’s it goin’?" he said. I was shocked! I was confused. I was grateful. I was worried.

Many tests over time revealed a horrible answer. Brian received Priesthood blessings. Fasting and prayers by armies began. We consulted top doctors and specialists. We listened and discussed.

I knew God’s will would ultimately be fulfilled. I have faith that through God, all things are possible. I wanted more than anything for Brian to be healed, and I plead for that. But this time, I made no deals. I said, "Thy will be done." I heard in my head, "Everything is going to be okay." I felt peace. I felt overwhelming peace and comfort embrace me. I still did not know what was in store or how it would end. But I knew Brian had made the right decision. I knew I needed to stand beside him, support him, and sometimes defend him. He never questioned what the Spirit told him. He never doubted. "We will grow old together. I promise." He said as he held me. I hoped he was right. Desperately.

Now here we are three years later. We have since had another child and God has blessed us with another on the way. I never thought this would have unfolded. Never. Brian is feeling great. His condition has not worsened in any way. I am so grateful for my husband who is in tune with the Spirit and does not question. He listens. He acts. He has courage and FAITH. God loves us. And, Everything is going to be okay.

Hymn, How Firm a Foundation.