The Blue Eyed Bunch: Look for the Blessings!

I'm peeling off the layers for a minute and exposing the raw emotions I have had inside. This year has been a challenge. It has. I carried on and on as if all was hunky dory. I hit an emotional breaking point a couple times. I hit it hard. I cried. a lot. I felt like I couldn't deal with all that was dealt. "It's too much! I'm overloaded! It's too heavy! I can't do this!! There is no end. It will never get better. I'm spread too thin. My kids are not getting all they need from me. I'm not taking care of myself, either. I'm FAILING!! I'm failing as a wife. I'm failing my family. My kids need more. My husband needs more. My family needs more of me! My calling needs more. My personal spiritual duties need to be better. I'm not making good enough dinners. I'm tiered. I'm doing everything wrong. I can't do this..."

Feeling overwhelmed and letting Satan's voice flood my thoughts, I needed help. I needed a life line. But where? What?

I fasted and prayed. I needed to get through this. I needed to handle this without caving. I wanted to thrive and not just barely survive. I needed to enjoy life. I knew I could only "own" my part, how I proceeded and behaved. How I carried my load. I can't change others. I can't change circumstances. I can't change other's actions. I can't change what others say. I can't change how others behave. I sure tried. Ultimately, they do what they want.

I don't remember exactly when or where I was when I felt an impression. "LOOK FOR THE BLESSINGS!"

I thought. I pondered the good in my life. I have much to be happy about! I have been blessed!! My children! My husband! The Gospel! My home! My talents! I felt a shift. Looking for my blessings has helped me immensely.

Brian went in for a MRI on Saturday the 27th. Sunday morning we met with a member of the Stake presidency. Brian was asked to do a new calling. ( I have to interject here. I was hesitant about any new calling. I knew it would be hard. I wondered how. I imagined I would be driving Brian around to other wards and it would be an added burden. I expressed this to my friend. She acknowledged my worry. Then she said, "But if they have prayed over his name then..." I stewed over that in my mind during my drive home and through the night. She was right. I would fully support any calling they extended. It also made me think, "Why would we refuse added blessings?" Brian started to express a little concern as well. I shared with him my friend's thought and added, "The pioneers were asked to do much harder.") (Another interject. I've never seen Brian so anxious to get the results of an MRI. When I asked him about it he responded, "The seizures have been different." I knew what he meant.) So here we were sitting in the office and Brian was being extended a new call. He accepted. I supported. The councilor asked if there was anything we needed and to my amazement Brian asked him for a blessing. I was THRILLED!! Brian told him what was going on and that he was waiting for results from a MRI scan. I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing. Honestly, the only phrase I usually hear out of Brian is, "I'm fine." I even made him a shirt that says "I'm fine" on it. After Brian received his blessing, the councilor placed his hand on my shoulder and said, "It's going to be okay." He said it with conviction. He proceeded to give me a blessing. When we stood to leave he told us the Spirit really conveyed to him that it was all going to be okay. It would be a journey, but it would be okay. I responded to him that was the third time I heard those words. First, in prayer many years ago when this began. Second, from our stake president shortly after that prayer and, third, from him today.

We left and drove to Brian's office where the fax machine held his MRI report. "No significant change." NO SIGNIFICANT CHANGE!!!! His tumor has not changed for nearly 8 years.

With that 8 years comes Rylan's 8th birthday. He was only three months old when this began. He is eight now! He got baptized on Saturday. (yesterday, Sept 3, 2016) It was so tender. Brad baptized him! Brian confirmed him. It is hard to put into words the sweet, beautiful Spirit I felt. I also felt, as we sat in the chapel waiting to go in to the baptistery, that Isaac was aware of what was going on. In fact, I'm pretty sure he wanted to see for himself.

After we got home from the baptism, dinner died down , and the guests left, I sat with Rylan and read through his book that was passed around for guests to write in. The last letter in the book was from Aubryn. She wrote a nice note and then drew a picture. In the picture Rylan was in the font with Brad and Isaac was above them. It melted my heart.

Today, Sept 4th, 2016 is fast Sunday. I fasted differently today. I fasted in gratitude. A fast of thanks! I fasted to thank the Lord for my many blessings. I fasted to thank God for the good results on Brian's MRI. I fasted to thank God for Rylan's baptism. I fasted to thank God Brad could baptize him. I fasted to thank God for the worthy good men and boys in my life. I fasted to thank him for my beautiful children. I fasted to thank him for my husband. My good, good husband. I fasted to thank God for my health. I fasted to thank God that I did not get hit by a van that ran a red light full speed as I was turning left. Why did I hesitate to go when it was my turn? I fasted to thank God for the word of God, temples, The Book of Mormon, and a true prophet of God. I fasted to thank God for the Atonement!! I fasted to thank God for peace, comfort, and the strength to keep going. I fasted to thank God for Brad. I fasted to thank God for Isaac. I fasted to thank God for Aubryn who bore a sweet and emotional testimony today that she knows we will all live together again someday. I fasted to thank God for Reagan. I fasted to thank God for Rylan. I fasted to thank God for James. I fasted to thank God for Wesley. I fasted to thank God for Eden. And I fasted to thank God for Brian. He also bore his testimony today. He bore his testimony of many things, among them he mentioned he has a testimony of the restored priesthood.

I am blessed beyond my ability to express. Look for the blessings!

Wesley at the dinner party

Kid table!

Grandpa Bryce and Reagan playing uno

They were playing nice for a few minutes so I took a picture. Then James declared himself the mayor and took over the town. You can't drive there! You can't live there!

Eden and Grandpa Bryce reading books.

Grandma was here too, but she was probably busy cleaning something, feeding somebody, or some other great and helpful thing.

Saw this guy walking along hwy 89. My curiosity go the best of me and I turned around and pulled over. he was from South Carolina and was walking to Oregon. He donates any proceeds to Anxiety and Depression Association of America. You can follow him on instagram: @odyssey_west