Trial or Opportunity?

Sept 24, 5:25 am I awoke to Brian's body jerking and groaning. I quickly switched the lamp on.
Sure enough, he was seizing. I held tightly onto him through it and thought, "Dang it! Dang it!
Dang it!!!" Dang it that 18 months of freedom from seizures was gone. Dang it that he's going
to be sore. Dang it his tongue is bleeding. Dang it that I have to tell him. Dang it that the meds
aren't enough anymore. Dang it that we have to figure this out again. Dang it that he can't drive
wherever, whenever he needs or wants to. Dang it that his poor body is suffering. Dang it all!
Just DANG it!!!

He woke up later after finishing the nightmare that wasn't a nightmare and falling into a deep sleep.
I told him. So hard. My heart hurt for him.

That was the beginning of a very difficult day. It wasn’t an isolated seizure. And honestly, that was
the beginning of a very difficult time. Again. There is so much more to it than just seizures.

Brian and I listened to a program where the speaker suggested that we chose our trials and
challenges before we came to this earth.  I pondered that. Why in the world would I have
chosen any of these difficult things!? Knowing my nature, I really doubt I would choose to
endure any of this.  I’m all about the most efficient, simple, and easy way to accomplish things.
I don’t think I would pick a hard route. I don’t know that I agree with that man's train of thought
(I just can’t imagine someone choosing to be placed in an abusive or neglected home), but I do
have some ideas.

I feel like this life may be more like a mission call. Was I called to this work? Or Is life like a school?
Perhaps a little of both? We are sent here to be tested.  What classes did I sign up for?
“Patience 101, please. I’d also like to sign up for compassion 130.” Can you imagine the
conversation with other spirit friends?

“What did you sign up for?”

“Endurance.”

“Oh!! I heard that’s a hard one!”

“I also signed up for Faith and Trusting in the Lord.”

“Those are hard classes!”

“I’ve heard that, but I really want to learn a lot down there.”

When we head to school and elect classes that’s as far as our choice goes in the matter.  The teacher
assigns work, tasks, assignments, and the tests. We do not know what will be on the tests when we
enroll in a class.  Some classes are more challenging than we expect them to be.

Ultimately, I’ve decided the tests are all multiple choice with only two answers to pick from.  We either
turn towards God or away from Him. Through good and bad. Through any circumstance. We choose.
We decide.

My thoughts kept going back to all these “tests/opportunities” I’ve had in this life.  Whether I chose to
have these experiences or was called to them, one thing, beyond the gospel truths and the comfort
and strength that comes from heaven, has helped get me through them.  That is the people I have
endured them with. Maybe that is even why I knew I could do this or the reason I wanted to try. I
don’t know if I knew who would be by my side on this earth before I came here, but that would have
been motivation enough for me.

This month Brian and I will celebrate our 20 year wedding anniversary.  We are a good team.
Sometimes I hate this journey we are on together. I do.  It’s too much to bear, watching those
we love suffer. We keep plugging along, though, helping each other as we go.  We were all sent
here to help each other. I know that.

If in the pre-earth life I was asked, “Would you like a special needs child that you will struggle to
feed, who will be blind, etc, etc, etc, and will die at a young age?” That would have been an easy,
“No, thank you.”  BUT if I had been asked, “Here is Isaac. Will you help him through his short journey
on earth? He will need all you have to give and more.”

“Yes. I will do that.”  

“And here is  Brad..., and Aubryn..., and Reagan, and Rylan, and James, and Wesley, and Eden.
They will need all you have to give and more.”

“Yes. I will do that.”

“And here is Brian.  He will need all you have to give and more.”

“Yes! I will do that.”

I have reflected a lot lately on the last 20 years we have spent together.  It can’t be expressed, all
my feelings and emotions, into words. Love and frustration, happiness and sadness, progress and
setbacks, fun and duty, work and leisure, ease and nerves, and perfect joy and heartbreaking sorrow.  
It’s hard to wrap it up in a sentence. I do know this, Brian has been a wonderful partner to have by my
side on this expedition.  I am BLESSED to have him. I'm thankful for him. He supports, loves, and
encourages me. He lifts me.  Perhaps he answered, “yes! I will do that!” for me. He really has given
me all he has to give and more.

Sometimes I love this journey we are on together. It is more than I deserve.  These people are more
than I deserve to have along my side, helping and loving me.  I need all they have to give and more.