Sad Joy

Eden is my last baby.  There, I announced it to the world.  I know you are all sad that there will be no more cute Hawks kids to come into this world, but it is true.  We even paid money for Brian to suffer for a few weeks to make sure of it. (but we got a free pizza out of the whole thing.  The doctor was having a promotion and we just lucked out!  What a deal!  I hope that wasn't the deciding factor for some people.)

I knew right after I found out I was pregnant that this was going to be the last one.  I felt a feeling of peace.  Brian felt it too.  We were complete.  I was very happy to FINALLY have that feeling!  I had been praying and asking for years.  I would go to the temple.  I wanted an answer.  It felt so good to KNOW that I had my answer and to know that this would be my last baby.  The end was in sight.

There had been tiny clues during my search for an answer over the years, but I really was not excited about another pregnancy and was already stretched to my limit with my kids.  I Have felt that I couldn't handle more, but they have continued to come and I have managed.  I remember when I was pregnant with Wesley that whenever I would feel lousy (heartburn, aches, nausea, tiered, heavy, emotional, huge, cracking hips, zombie like, and pulling up my pants every time I moved my body slightly.) I would have this quiet thought in the back of my head that said, "And I have to do this one more time."  There was no reason for that thought and it always made me mad and I pushed it away.

 Another  "clue" that I see now looking back is rather weird.  I remember one day turning on the T.V. (which I RARELY do in the daytime unless it is PBS kids)  and I turned it to a local show called "Good Things Utah".  I hate this show.  I really do.  Anyway, they had a segment with some women modeling some swimwear and they went through the models quickly and told us their names.  They introduced one gal and mentioned that she had eight kids.  When they said she had eight kids, it resonated deep into my soul!  I thought, "I will have eight kids." but denied it simultaneously.  I turned the T.V. off thinking how weird it all was to have such an intense feeling over a random television segment.  I dreaded the thought, but it never left me. 

So, now, here I sit at the end of my long run of pregnancy years.  (fourteen plus years) and I am feeling  "sad joy".  I feel grateful.  I feel overwhelmed.  I feel happy.  I feel sad.  I'm a mess, to be honest.  (hurried out of Lowes holding back tears because picking out paint for my dresser was too overwhelming)   I watch Eden grow and change and want to savor it all, knowing I will never have a tiny baby again. That thought is truly SO SAD to me!   Through all eternity this is my time to bear children.  Even though it has been long, I also know that in the eternal view, it is so short.  Eden has outgrown her newborn clothes and I can't believe these baby clothes will never be used again.  Seems like such a waste!  ha !  The tiny baby smell and snuggles will soon be memories.  Waaaa

At the same time I am excited to move on to the next phase of my life.  I am excited to have a bit more freedom, to get out more, and to be able to accomplish more.  I look forward to the day I can wake up and know I can get a shower in that day.  I can't wait to start a project and be able to finish it and not work on it in two minute intervals while balancing a baby.  It will be great to eat with both hands available to feed me.  I am thrilled to think about getting to the temple and not feeling rushed to get back to my nursing baby. These thoughts make me SO HAPPY!  I have big future plans in my head!

I am mourning the loss of no more pregnancies, deliveries, and new babies.  I am also celebrating the end of pregnancies, deliveries, and new babies.