Friday, January 11, 2013

9 years

It was freezing cold outside.  A winter storm was in full swing.  I was sleeping somewhat soundly in my hotel bed in Salt Lake City when Aubryn woke up and went to the bathroom, which woke up Wesley.  He nursed, but had a hard time settling back to sleep.  Brian's cell phone then began beeping because the battery was low and then it died.  That was enough to wake Wesley up.  Wide awake at the unpleasant hour of 3 something in the morning.  Wesley is really vocal.  (He must be related to Reagan)  Anyway, I couldn't stay in the room or he would wake up the other kids.  So I took him down to the lobby.  They have some guest computers there, so I logged on.  While checking my email I found a note from a friend at Primary Children's Hospital.  Her daughter was not going to make it to morning.  My heart ached!  Tears filled my eyes.  I wrote back several times with no response.  The nagging feeling that I needed to get there and be with her wouldn't leave me.

Soon  I inched my way through the snowy roads, up the hill, to the hospital.  I embraced my friend.  My heart was full of emotions.  I stood with her over her daughter, we cried, we hugged, we talked, we even laughed. We had tender experiences.   I stayed for a bit.  Brian and his dad came and administered blessings to mother and daughter.  Her daughter, who was 12, had flown to heaven but her body remained until organs could be given.  I felt so sad for my friend!  I also felt much peace through out that day.

A few days ago I attended her funeral.  I watched her mother, Christine, stand with great courage and speak about all that she had learned from the experience of being Jessica's mother.  It was gut wrenching.  It really hit close to home for me.  I had learned many of those things too.  And then my child who turned my life upside down, was also taken from my arms.  I couldn't hold the tears back.  I felt Isaac near. 

I was also able to see good friends from years ago at her funeral.  People I met because of Isaac.  Families with special kids like him.  We understood each other.  I spent a lot of time with them after Isaac died.  It was good to see them, but added to my emotions.  My friend's daughter was taken on that bitter cold January day to a grave site in the same cemetery that Isaac is buried.  I think the temperature was about 15 degrees the day we buried Isaac.  It couldn't have been more than a few degrees different that day.

Today, I was trying to get some cleaning done.  My boys were not being particularly helpful.  Especially James!  I could not get ahead.  I felt I was making ZERO progress.  I said to Brian, "I feel like I just want to QUIT!"  I run, but get nowhere.   I was frustrated.  

After Brian left for work, I found an old CD I made after Isaac died and put it in to hopefully find some songs I could share with Christine.  The songs really brought back memories.  They reminded me of the pain.  I picked James up and noticed some of the similarities he and Isaac had.  James,  uncharacteristically,  sat still and let me hold him.  He is close the size Isaac was.  His haircut is the same. His little mouth.  His long lashes are the same.  His blue eyes are similar.  I looked in his eyes.  I remembered looking into Isaac's eyes.  I thought , "What would I give to be able to hold Isaac?" and here I have all these beautiful boys to hold around me everyday!  I get so busy with stuff, that I brush them aside.  They are healthy!  They are wild, crazy, busy, healthy boys!  I had prayed so hard for Isaac to be like them.  And more importantly, they are HERE. WITH ME!!!  I felt emotional.  I had tears fill my eyes.  I sat there and held James as long as he allowed.  I imagined I was holding Isaac. And changed my outlook for the rest of the day.

Yesterday I was honored to attend the birth of a 10 lbs 6 oz, 23 inches long baby boy!  I was assured once again that God has divinely designed everything.  This mother breathed down her baby and her body performed perfectly a function it was designed to do as she followed her instincts.  He was born into a loving family with a father and a mother.  He nursed from his mother and was given all the nourishment he needed.  He was loved, held, and wanted.

Sunday I taught the first part of the temple preparation class.  I had studied and prepared the lesson about the Plan of Salvation.  What a great thing it is!!  All these experiences have really reminded me of how awesome this plan is!  I am so very grateful for it! God has designed  everything and it is simple and good.  I love how beautifully simple Jessica's life was.  All she needed to make her happy was the sound of wind chimes and bells.  I know God lives.  I know He has a plan for us.  I know that Isaac and Jessica are not far.  I know He LOVES me and my children and my husband and my friends and EVERYBODY.