Monday, January 11, 2016

He Did Not Hesitate part 3

We are taught to follow promptings from the Spirit.  We are taught to listen.  We are taught to act immediately.  We are taught to not second guess.  We are taught not to look back, only move forward with faith.  We are taught these things.  We know these things.  But, do we DO these things?

December 31, 2003 Brian called me from his office and told me to pack.  He had booked tickets to leave for Hawaii the very next day.  I am a planner.  I had not planned for this!  Isaac had too many prescriptions.  Isaac couldn't be around people in the airport.  He would get sick from somebody!  How could he travel that far?  Should I bring the nebulizer?  I must bring the suction machine, the wheelchair, the medicines, the extra rags for when he throws up, and his food.  He needed special food.  How was I going to get all this put together and ready to leave in the morning?  I wasn't planning to leave for a long time.  I never did.  We stayed home all the time, even from the Christmas festivities and took turns attending church, to keep him from getting sick.  I even tied hand sanitizer on the front door for visitors.  He didn't like being in his car seat.  How did Brian think this was going to work?

It worked.  Miraculously everything got done and we flew to Hawaii as a family the next morning.  Brian, Me, Brad (3yrs), and Isaac (18 m).   We went from being isolated in our home during the cold winter months to warm, humid air.  We walked everywhere.  Brad rode on the back of Isaac's wheelchair and we went all over, TOGETHER.  We went to the beach, to eat, and to church.  It felt like freedom.  Isaac seemed so much more comfortable with the warmth and humid air.  He slept better than he had in a long time. He slept on the balcony of our room, outside in the humid air.  He thrived there.  We were together.  No work, or school, or callings, or distractions of any kind.  It was better than I could have imagined.  I had not even wanted to go!  I was so worried.  By the time we were facing the reality of returning home, we knew we needed to find a way to make it back.  What kind of jobs could Brian do?  Where could we live?  The last 9 days had been so wonderful!

We flew the red eye home while I held Isaac on my lap.  We landed back into winter.  The unpacking and jetlag set it.  We looked online for homes and jobs in Hawaii.  That night I let Isaac sleep by me.  It was so cold.  He usually didn't do that.  The next night Brian was preparing him to go to sleep, but he was restless, so I took over.

I rocked him to sleep and held onto him.  I stroked his blond hair and ran it through my fingers.  I studied his features.  After the unusual lengthy rock-a-bye, I laid him in his bed.  I made sure he was warm.  I put an extra blanket on him and put mittens on his hands, something I have second guessed more than anything I've ever done. 

The next morning we all slept late.  We were so tiered.  I never heard a peep the entire night.  Without my knowledge, Brian woke up early in the morning.  He had felt a prompting to go check on Isaac.  He peeked into his room and saw him asleep in bed.  He shut the door to a crack and sat in a chair right outside the door to his room.  Brian sat there for awhile reading his scriptures and studying for a church lesson.  He stayed there for some time, in the quiet, before coming back to bed by me.  We woke up later.  We poured cereal.  We sat around.  I think it was around 10 that Brian checked on Isaac.  Even for jetlag, it was getting late.  This time he went into his room.

All of my senses remember the nightmare that unfolded.  It was cold, both in color and temperature.  The sun was shining on the white snow.  I heard the sound of my husband call for me as he discovered our boy.  That sound could be called wailing or screaming.  I'm not sure if there is a name for it. I ran.  I saw Brian standing there holding him.  Isaac was pale with blue lips.  I Reached for my cold son and curled him up in my arms as I let out sounds of agony.  I tried to breathe life into his limp, lifeless body.  His chest would rise when I blew my air into it and go down when I stopped.  I heard the sound of fluid inside him move with each of my breathes.  I heard myself yelling to the 911 dispatcher that what she was instructing me to do, "Isn't working!!!!"  I felt the desperation.  I knew he was gone.  I could feel he was not there.  I saw my husband's agony.  I heard the sirens get closer and louder, then stop.   I saw my house become flooded with strangers.  Some were walking around and looking at everything.  Some were frantically trying to bring my son back to life, ripping his clothes off and stabbing things into him.  Some asked for his medications.  Some sat by me with their arm around me telling me it was the disease that did this. 

There were also familiar faces.  A neighbor, Dale, who quietly came in and assisted Brian in giving Isaac a blessing as they busily worked on him.  Our neighbor, Rod, who came in and wrapped Brad in a blanket, scooped him up,  and quickly took him home with him, not pausing to look at the chaos.  I imagine it was the Spirit telling these men to come and of all the wonderful things for Rod to bring with him, a blanket.  A blanket to wrap Brad in to help him feel safe and warm.  Brad still remembers that act of kindness.

It has been 12 years.  This is the first time I could write all those details and it made my heart pound. I love that Brian followed the promptings of the Spirit.  No matter what.  No matter how impractical, impossible, or crazy it seemed.    We spent the last week and a bit of  Isaac's life TOGETHER in paradise.  What a wonderful blessing that time was to us as a family!  I love that he followed the prompting to be BY Isaac that morning.  Brian was sitting by his door about the time they guessed that he died.  I truly feel that Isaac wanted someone close.  Brian woke up from a deep sleep, got out of bed, peeked on him, then sat by his door for about a half hour in the early morning hours.  He was near, but did not enter his room and interrupt Isaac's time to leave .   It was hard for Brian, looking back, wondering if he should have done more or why he hadn't entered the room.  I know that if he was supposed to go in, Brian would have known.  I believe that Isaac wanted him near.  Brian was in tune with the Spirit and what he should do.  To go, but not go too far. 

God loves us.  God loves Isaac.


Jenny said...

Thanks for sharing these stories. My heart aches for your sweet boy. I am so glad you got to spend that time together before he passed. I think about him often and wonder what he thinks about his family and all the fun and silly things his younger siblings do. Love you.