10 Things That Helped Me Through My Intense Grief

Me holding Isaac on Christmas day, 2003.  He died Jan 11, 2004.

I have things that get on my mind and I think about them a lot until I finally write it out. Different things have stirred my mind into reflecting on how I survived the intense grief I was in after Isaac died.  He was 19 months old when he died.  He was completely dependent on Brian and I for care.  He spent most of his time in our arms and now they were empty.  So empty.  Our hearts were empty too.  It was hard to move on and get used to not having him, when we had altered our lives to take care of him.  We felt guilt on different levels for different things.  Wishing we had done more or done something differently.  Not okay with making plans to move forward without him.  Knowing he was happy and safe, but missing him like crazy.  There was such a huge void in our home, spiritually and physically.

Here are some of the things that helped me to move on without him here.

1.  Love.  I loved Brian.  (Still do)  I loved Brad.  (Still do, ha ha)  That kept me going. We CLUNG to each other.

2. Service.  I had made several friends with moms who had special needs kids.  It helped me so much to go to their homes and help in ways I wish someone could have helped me.  It also helped Brad to think of others and how we could help them.  Each morning we went to a different house during the week.  We also volunteered at the Utah School for the Deaf and Blind as a family.

3. Hope.  Hope that I could get through this.  Hope that things would get better.  Hope that I would see and HOLD my boy again.

4.  Covenants.  My temple covenants sustained me.  I knew we were sealed together.  ALL OF US.

5. The Plan of Salvation.  I cannot tell you the peace that this knowledge brought to me.  As much as I missed Isaac, I hated the separation, I KNEW where he was and that we would be together.  I knew he was loved by God.  I knew he was not held back in any way by leaving earth early.

6. Taking care of Brad.  Brad was still little and needed me to be there emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I did not like being separated from him or Brian.  I felt if we stuck together that if something horrible happened we could all go together.  Death does not scare me, separation does.

7. Getting out of the house.  I would think I heard Isaac waking from his nap.  I would forget for split seconds that he was gone, not just sleeping.  I hate to say it, but getting away from my home helped me.  I loved shopping.  Retail therapy.  It does make you feel good for a moment.  Sad, but true.

8. Prayers.  Not mine.  Yours.  Others.  People prayed for me and I FELT IT.  It buoyed me up.  I felt the strength.  It was real.  I was so grateful for it!  If you do not know what to do for someone, pray for them.

9. Tender mercies.  There were many.  Things that comforted my heart.  Things that showed me God knew me and my struggle.

10. The Holy Ghost.  He brought me peace when no one else could.  When I thought I would be swallowed up in my grief, peace would come to my heart and I could carry on a little bit longer.